A Kikuyu girlfriend is giving directions to her prospective boyfriend, who is coming to visit:

"You come to the front door of the apartment complex.
I am in Apartment 14 A .
There is a big panel at the door.
With your elbow, push button 14 A .
I will buzz you in.
Come inside, the elevator is on the right.
Get in, and with your elbow hit 14.
When you get out I am on the left.
With your elbow, hit my doorbell.

"Baby, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?"

Hey Njoro....... you''re not coming empty handed, are you?"

Kao Girl
A VERY ''straight and honest'' girl from Makueni (a town in Kenya) was coming to seek work in Nairobi. Before she left home, her mother

gave her some advice.

"Mbinya, my child when you get to Nairobi, many men will try to get you. Resist them till you get a husband. And you must take note of the following requirements I now set for you.

1. You must find a man who is faithful,
2. not a spendthrift
3. MUST BE A VIRGIN."

With this advice, ''Mbinya'', stormed the city.

Some months later, she returned to her village to get her mother''s blessings to marry.

"Mother, I have met the right man following your instructions. He is so faithful!!! We went out for a holiday one day; he took care of me specially even though there were so many prettier girls around. Isn''t that being faithful? She asked expectantly.

Her mother nodded in agreement "How about the other criteria I gave you?" asked her mother.

Mbinya answered. "He passed mum. He took me out and decided that we stay in the same hotel. In order not to spend too much, we shared one room. See, he is not a spendthrift!"

"One room?" the mother gasped.


"Don''t worry mum, he is a virgin."



"How did you know that?"

"Mmmmmmmmm....HIS THING WAS BRAND NEW. It was wrapped up in a plastic paper!!"

The old lady is recovering from shock at the Makueni District Hospital.



(Oh my, our Kao friends will remain Kaos).

A Typical Kikuyu Woman
MONDAY:

Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new home. It''s fun to cook for Tim. Today I made an angel food cake and the recipe said, "beat 12 eggs separately." Well, I didn''t have enough bowls to do that, so I had to borrow enough bowls to beat the eggs in. The cake turned out Fine though.

TUESDAY:

We wanted a fruit salad for supper. The recipe said, "serve without dressing." So I didn''t dress. But Tim happened to bring a friend home for supper that night. They both looked so startled when I served them, I think it was the salad.

WEDNESDAY:

I decided to serve rice and found a recipe which said, "wash thoroughly before steaming the rice." So I heated some water and took a bath before steaming the rice. Sounded kinda silly in the middle of the week. I can''t say it improved the rice anyhow.

THURSDAY:

Today Tim asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said, prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving." I hunted all over the place for a garden and when I got one I tossed my salad into the bed of lettuce and stood over there for over one hour so the dog would not take it. Tim came over and asked if I felt all right. I wonder why? He must be stressed at work, I''ll try and be supportive.

FRIDAY:

Today I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said, "put all ingredients in a bowl and beat it." Beat it I did, to my mum''s place. There must have been something wrong with the recipe, because when I came back home again, it looked the same as when I left it.

SATURDAY:

Tim went shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. I''m sure I don''t know how hens dress for Sunday. I never noticed back on the farm, but I found an old doll dress and it''s little cute shoes. I thought the hen looked really cute. When Tim saw it, he started counting to ten. Either he was really stressed because of his work, or he wanted the chicken to dance.

When I asked him what was wrong he started crying and shouting out

"why me ? why me ?".

It has to be his job.

Machakos Kaozz
A Kamba is buying a TV.
"Do you have color TVs?"
"Sure."
"Give me a green one, please."

A Kamba calls KQ "How long does it take to fly to Machakos?"
"Just a second," says the rep.
"Thank you",says the Kamba and cuts the line.

A Kamba was filling up an application form for a job. He filled the columns titled NAME, AGE, ADDRESS etc.
Then he came to the column Salary Expected:
After much thought he wrote: Yes!
FOR THE SEX COLUMN; he wrote: every day

A Kamba proposes to a woman.
She says, "Yes, if you''ll bring me a pair of crocodile boots."
He sets off to Maasai Mara and disappears.
Finally a search team finds him hunting a huge crocodile.
He walks over to the reptile, checks its legs and angrily exclaims,
"The 70th damn croc and this bugger is also barefeet!"

A Kamba goes into a store and sees a shiny object.
He asks the clerk, ! "What is that shiny object?"
The clerk replies, "That is a thermos."
The Kamba then asks, "What does it do?"
The clerk responds, "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."
The Kamba says, "I''ll take one!"
The next day, he walks into the office with his new thermos.
His boss asks, "Wow, you have a Thermos! What do you have in it?"
The Kamba replies, "Two cups of coffee and a Coke."

A Kamba went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain.
"I would like to buy this small TV," he told the salesman.
"Sorry, we don''t sell it to Kambas," he replied.
The Kamba hurried home removed his beard and changed his hair style, then came back and again told the salesman.
"I would liketo buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don''t sell to Kambas," Salesman replied.
"Damn, he still can recognize me," he thought.
He went for a complete disguise this time, haircut and new hair color, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few day! s before he again approached the salesman.
"I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don''t sell to Kambas," he replied.
Frustrated, he exclaimed "How do you know I''m a Kamba?"
"Because that''s a microwave," the salesman replied.

Why did 18 Kambas go to a movie?
Because below 18 was not allowed.

The doctor told the Kamba to run 8 kilometers a day for 300 days TO LOSE WEIGHT..
After 300 days, the Kamba called the doctor to report he had lost the weight, but he had a problem:
"I''m 2400 kms away from home."

A Kamba''s two sons Kilonzo and Muoki are waiting at the train station for a train to Machakos.
A train comes and as the other passengers are boading, Kilonzo asks the clerk:
"Can I take this train to Machakos?"
"No," answers the Railway man.
"Then Can I ?"asks Muoki.

Having lost his donkey a Kamba, got down to his knees and started thanking God.
A passerby saw him and asked, "Your donkey is missing; why are you thanking God?"
The Kamba replied "I am thanking him for that I wasn''t riding the donkey at that time, otherwise I would have been missing too."

A Kamba got the 4th child. He fills data in the birth certificate.
Mother: Kenyan.
Father: Kenyan.
Kid: Chinese.
"How come you wrote "Chinese" when both parents areKenyan?" asks the registrar.
The Kamba says, "Ahhh... I read in the newspaper, that every 4th person born on Earth now is a Chinese."

A Kamba, Muoki, and a friend, Pakoris, went to South B.
They managed to get into a double-decker bus.
Pakoris somehow managed to find a seat downstairs, but unfortunately Muoki got pushed to the top.
After a while, when the rush was over, Pakoris went upstairs to see his friend Muoki.
He met Muoki in a bad condition clutching the seats in front with both hands and saying
his prayers, scared to death.
He asks,"Oi Mkamba! What the heck''s goin''on? Why are you so scared?...
I was really enjoying my ride down there?"
Muoki mumbles, "Yeah, but you''ve got a driver."

A Kamba, with two red ears, went to his doctor.
The doctor asked him what had happened to his ears and he answered,
"I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone, I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."
"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief.
"But..what happened to your other ear?"
"The scoundrel called back."

A Hawaiian and a Kamba from Kenya were asked to form a sentence with the words: Green,Pink and Yellow.
The Hawaiian wrote: Every morning I put on my Pink shirt, light up my Green cigarette and look at the Yellow sun.
The Kamba wrote: Every time I hear the phone ring, "Green! Green!", I pink it up and say,"Yellow! Yellow!"